Garcetti: Los Angeles Mayor and trolley enthusiast Eric Garcetti (D) has announced that he will not run for President, surprising no one. The remaining candidates in the clown car can breath a sigh of relief… or they would, if there still weren’t so many of them that breathing would cause the car to explode.
Stein: 2016 Green Party nominee Jill Stein has announced that she too will not run for President. At first, this may seem like a loss for the country’s funny bone. However, it clears away an established name to make way for an exciting new wackadoo who can steal Bolshevik votes from Biden or an opportunistic billionaire who could draw wealthy centrists from Warren. The possibilities are endless.
Hickenlooper: One candidate who is definitely campaigning and also definitely not going to win is former Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper (D). The barkeep-turned big-city mayor-turned governor is attempting to wage a presidential campaign one beer at a time. This is actually a great idea in Iowa and New Hampshire. Local buzz takes time to build, though, and Hick is just too boring for a national audience that can’t sit down with him for a cold one. Unless they let him drink on the debate stage, I don’t think this campaign is going very far.
Schultz: Why are all the articles today about people who think they can be President but won’t be? To recap: former Starbucks CEO and billionaire Howard Schultz has decided to make an independent bid for the presidency. His campaign is not so much a clown car as it is a Ferrari that will be stopped soon after the starting line for not having valid ‘D’ or ‘R’ tags. Roger Simon thinks that he can evade the fuzz and cross the finish line. He points out that he predicted Trump’s win, but so did a lot of stopped clocks…..